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The L Word

An attempt at coherence (More like chronic emotional drownings, incessant whinings and rantings - served straight up)

May 04, 2006

The impetus

Perfect. It's going to rain.

Does sitting at the mrt station sound weird? You know, there's something about sitting down and watching the trains go by. There's just something about watching the trains go by. Its a good place to think about things. Perhaps i should stop thinking in school, when i have the proclivity to lapse into a ________ which apparently _______ (sorry, the word just eludes me) as pms/moodswing.

I just dont feel like myself in school. I may be krap and a perpetual-irritant, but something just doesnt feel right. This familiarity, this sense of comfort? Just feel weird/______, you know, like am i tagging along or something?

Would you rather have a few close friends, or a wide circle of aquaintances? I'd have the former, please. I dont want superficial friendships, and it seems that this is where a particular one is heading towards. But what can i do? The past is haunting me, and i feel like i cant change. This perception that has been brought over. What kind of a person have i become? I hope what im doing now is right, and will not make it spiral beyond...

These few months, i'm trying to really treasure my friends. As socially inept as i seem to be (well, at least in CJ), realised i have at least someone in devotion, endurance, faith and humilty whom i can hang around with, whom i trust, whom i can talk to without feeling constrained. Im not acting miss popular here, but this is how i feel. Im not trying to have this in Sa, cos seriously, name me someone (besides LMN) in class, whom i can hang out with and not feel like im tagging along, whom i can talk to freely and truthfully.

Yesterday made me realise how blessed i am to have such friends. Take my tongzhi for example. i knew her better only this year, and loook! Friends who tell you to pay attention in school and not slack. I feel obliged to read my notes this week. They cant be there forever to tell you to study/pay attention. They just start the ball rolling for you, and subsequently, making sure it doesnt get out of the track.


Had a good dressing down today. Apologies to everyone for coming unprepared. Felt very bad for 'dragging' polka and doong into this. oh well, i have nothing else to say, am not feeling the extremes towards this thingamajig.


The odac list is out, and im not one of the shortlisted ones. Of cos it hurts to not be in it, given how much i've put in and sacrificed. but its somewhat expected? I will just accept it as it is. God's will. Celine said if i want it bad enough, i should approach the j2s. I have the chance to, but should i? is this something like me going to threegrace? is this a sign, a blessing in disguise? also, i dont feel this strong want to get back to odac. perhaps its because it has not been my first choice all along. the only reason why i want to be in it is because it involves outdoors and gives you an opportunity to lead, which beautify your testimonial.

Do i want to do things that make my testimonial look good? or do i want to do things that make me feel good. i know at this point of time, i cant have both. It's time to ASK. but the obvious is the latter. i supposed, i will end up being in interact klub. It's really time to ASK.

Polka wanted me to join band, but they dont have saxophone anymore. Pity, it'd have been fun (and not to mention, hard to imagine) to be in band, reading those taogehs and unravelling the mozart/beethovan in me. teehee.


Ushering for band concert tmr + free concert + FREE DINNER. i cant wait. choices for tmr after school:
1. stay back to study
2. go out with phyllis
3. go out with the class

which should i choose? Dilemma, this is what liberation from odac has brought. my fridays are free now, and i cant decide.

Perhaps i should study econs tmr, then my saturday will be free to catch up on math tuition. Besides, promised miss chan that i will do well for econs, plus, i cant bear to let my tongzhi down. And i cant continue doing this, knowing that my potential can be maximise to the, well, MAX. 2/25 for econs, possibly 1/16 for chem simply do not do my potential justice. Ahh, i will have to be independent and study in school by myself.

Today will be the impetus. Will strive towards being Top Girl in Arts Fac today.

Anyway, to lighten up the mood (just make sure that it doesnt catch fire), this is what we did for pe today:



Is it going to rain soon? The great gatsby and the sofa. A perfect way to end this day. (: While waiting, its dinner for me now. Tomorrow will be a better day :D Praise the Lord

ps/ what an entry!